I was bored.
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wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Hit me in the face with a bird
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
much to think about
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.