Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
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If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
For those that worship cheese..
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
inventing words: clothing
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.