I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
You Might Also Like
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
This kid will have a bright future.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth