Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
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[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
there has never been a better use of this meme
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.