My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
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I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
This kid will have a bright future.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.