[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
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Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.