Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
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i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?