[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
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Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
this is what they would have looked like, though
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”