My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
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I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.