I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
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Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
happy mother’s day❤️
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Anyone really
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Fight
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.