[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
You Might Also Like
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.