Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
You Might Also Like
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.