Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
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Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Life hack
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive