Life with a cat in one tweet
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Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
remember
only for emergencies
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*