Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
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“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.