Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
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My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?