Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
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I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.