What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
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What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.