*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
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one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
saw this in a dream
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.