“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
You Might Also Like
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Salad is the decaf of food.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
the short answer to this question