YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
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1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Favourite diary entry ever
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.