it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
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Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
This 4th of July, please remember…
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.