Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
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PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis