I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
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Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing