Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
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I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”