As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
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ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
#inspiration #foodforthought
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot