God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
You Might Also Like
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”