WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
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Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
My dog learned how to text
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards