There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
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Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
this is what they would have looked like, though
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Everyone’s family