I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
You Might Also Like
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes