My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
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Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
#SuperBowl
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Google reviews are always so mixed..
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Your honor these allegations are
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Jurassic park gets weird
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??