hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
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⚠️ Important Reminder:
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Fidel Castro was alive?
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv