I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
You Might Also Like
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
“OMGJK” -atheists
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy