My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
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When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
.. do you even science?
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
I hate everything
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!