[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
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Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.