[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
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Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?