Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
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I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?