(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
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My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
all bases covered
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all