Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
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Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
My dog after a walk in the woods.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.