that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
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Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.