Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
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hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!