MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
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My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Oh boy, $150,000!
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
There are no pants in heaven.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.