Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
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If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
I’m giving up for Lent.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked