I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
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“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*