Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
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THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Yep.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
reviewed some movies recently
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.