I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
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Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.