Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
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If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
I’d rather fork than spoon.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band