I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
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*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
If snakes were wide
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
The symmetry is uncanny.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.