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Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Just why bro?!
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
My work here is don’t.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.