Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
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Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
what’s more important?
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!